When you’re dating someone new, it’s extremely common to ask questions to get to everything about them. How do you like to spend your free time? Do you have hobbies? Sports fan? Outdoor activities? Do you have pets? Do you even like pets? Ultimately, you’re getting to know them to find ways you’re compatible (or ways you aren’t) and potentially new things to learn or do together.
Oddly, this level of conversation on getting to know someone doesn’t include the entire person as it typically doesn’t dive into a very important part of relationships – sex! Why do questions about sexuality and likes and dislikes in bed often get glossed over before starting a sexual relationship and sometimes even as it develops?
A 2021 survey from Durex, said one third of sexually active adults in relationships were uncomfortable talking about sex with their partner, and 20 percent won’t bring up the topic at all. Seemingly, not only do people not know sexy questions to ask their partner, they also don’t know how to ask for what they want in bed.
What To Ask
With the discomfort around talking about sex, we’ve included 10 erotic questions to ask a partner about what they like in bed to learn about their bodies, what their relationship with sex is like and what they like in bed. These are great sexual questions to ask for couples already in a relationship or those that are just getting acquainted.
How To Start The Conversation
Are you ticklish? If so, where?
However juvenile this may seem to you, this is a fast, subtle and G-rated question to find out their most sensitive spots to run fingertips, lips and maybe even your tongue across during foreplay, oral and penetration. This is a simple entry level question to warm up to sexy questions.
Do you have a favorite sex scene?
Movies, music videos, cable TV, HBO – there’s plenty of video content with steamy sex scenes that will give you an idea of what gets someone going. From the classic pool scene between Neve Campbell and Denise Richards in 1998’s “Wild Things” to steamy car sex in “Titanic,” this can definitely give you some clues about what’s hot to them.
If they’re a little more comfortable sharing the type of sex they’re watching, you can go straight to asking about their favorite porn genre or porn stars.
What’s the easiest way for you to orgasm?
Don’t lead them with this question. Leave it open ended, and hopefully, you’ll hear the easiest way they climax and whether that’s with or without a partner, with or without a toy, if there’s porn involved or if it’s super kinky.
From there, you can ask sexy follow up questions. For example, if they say masturbating, you can ask the details. One hand or two? Toys? Maybe they can show you. If they offer a position, you can ask what about that position makes it so easy for them.
This question is a great opportunity for lots of follow ups, learning and applying what you’ve heard. Perhaps you’ll even find new ways that are even easier together because having a conversation like this undoubtedly creates a better connection, and a better connection can lead to more orgasms for all.
What positions do you like for oral sex?
When we talk about oral, it’s often positioned around whether the giver likes to give it and whether the receiver likes to receive it. (Interestingly, it’s not for everyone!) However, asking yes or no questions about whether they like something or not doesn’t leave much room to explore. You want to avoid asking questions that can be answered in one word such as “do you like oral sex?” Keep them open ended.
This will help you learn how to give it – standing, sitting, laying, from the back, with hands, no hands. You’ll have direction and options after this one!
What’s one thing you learned or one piece of advice about sex that changed your sex life?
With this question, you’re more looking to hear the anecdote than anything else. You’ll find out where they learned it or who they talk to sex about, as well as some of their former perspectives on sex and where they’re currently at with them.
What’s your favorite part of sex?
Similar to asking about how they cum easiest, you’ll want to let them talk through this one. Don’t interject or offer multiple choices here. Let there be long pauses (which is also good advice for the act itself) in their answer.
Ideally, you’ll find out if they’re very into their own pleasure or pleasuring a partner, about the importance of foreplay or if it’s a race to the finish! We don’t want a one minute man, but it’s safe to say we’re all trying to an orgasm or three!
What are your sexual hard no’s?
Arguably one of the most important sexual questions to ask a partner, you’re looking for their hard boundaries and things they are absolutely not open to. This also might include experiences that they don’t want to relive. This question is important and should be handled gently.
What’s something sexual you hesitated trying but really like now?
Discussions about people’s pasts are important, and it’s even more important to acknowledge them without any jealousy or denial that everyone has a past. That said, this sexy question will give them the space to talk about a time of growth for them and when they found more pleasure.
Oftentimes, there’s a lot of shame around certain sex acts. Being able to let go of those ideas and find what feels best is exciting, and hopefully after talking about it enough trust will be established for you to try new things for both of you together.
What’s something sexual you thought you loved, but ending up not liking or growing out of?
This has the potential to be kind of a loaded question, because it can bring out answers about old relationships or old ideals, but much like the last one, it’s an opportunity to see growth in the person’s relationship with sex. Establishing a safe place to talk about their relationship with sex, affords them a safe place to talk about sex with you.
Ultimately, you’ll be able to share more about your constantly evolving likes, dislikes, desires and fantasies. Even if you don’t end up fulfilling all of them, being able to talk about it together opens doors to talk more comfortably about the sex you are having together.
What do you like to do after sex – cuddle, have some space, shower together?
This will help temper your expectations when you’re both in a vulnerable place. It’s a great way to avoid any misunderstandings. It will also make it easier to share what you like and experience closeness during that time, because you’ll know what to expect and do or not do.
Final Thoughts
Getting to know someone sexually should be no less important than getting to know the rest of that person, yet these conversations are often avoided or navigated with little to no conversation. Learning how to ask someone what they want and how to ask someone for what you want will instantly improve your sex life, but these conversations require a bit of confidence and open-mindedness.
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